Bla bla bla bla bla. My name is John Yohomal and I am a great man. They also call me Never Die and Rule Forever. In fact I can say that I am the greatest man in the world with lots of punk and money and power and all the good things in life. I am the head of state and commander chief of the armed forces of the great Republic of No-Talk. My mind tells me that I am immortal, but I have to wait till the day I fail to die to verify this point. So this is just by way of introduction, so to say.
Some of you talk about opposition, opposition! Or you start talking about so called human rights, human rights. What do you mean human rights, human rights, ha? There is no human rights and there is no opposition in this world and whoever talks to me about human rights and opposition will never see the light of day. If you want to be treated like a human being, I will treat you like a human being. If you want to be treated like a donkey, I will treat you like a donkey. There are many ways to kill a cat and the best way is to just kill it with much ado about nothing.
Sometime ago I decided that I was never going to talk about this so-called human rights or donkey opposition again. But over the past few weeks I have heard so much nonsense being said about me not respecting human rights or opposition. Well let me tell you that I don’t give a damn about any stupid human rights or donkey opposition! I don’t want to ever hear about it ever again in this country. Let me tell you what I think about all this stupid noise. When I decided not to attend a conference in another country, people opened their big donkey mouths and shouted that John Yohomal is afraid, John Yohomal this, John Yohomal that. Let me tell you something: John Yohomal is not afraid of anyone or anything in this world! And if you think I am joking, come here and show me that you are brave. Belay, belay, belay you will never see the light of day again! You will die like a hungry dog that has lost its tail!
If you say I am afraid to go to a so-called conference, then why are you afraid to come to my conference? Some of you say that I ran off into my palace when I heard that some men were coming to get me. You even say that I forgot my shoes when I ran away. Were you there and did you see me running? If not, why do you go about telling such stinking lies and saying that John Yohomal is afraid? If people come to this country and try to put me down, they must be ready to face the music of their own drums. If you think you can be used by the West to come and destroy me, then you are the biggest fool in the world because neither you nor the so-called West can destroy John Yohomal. And both you and the West can go to hell because I don’t care what anybody says and I’m not afraid of anybody. The so-called West came here and enslaved us and colonized us for 1000 years. I will never allow them to come back here and colonize us ever again for a billion years! In fact I will be in power until the year 20 million and 20 and no one can do a damn thing about it! Not even time itself! If you think you can joke with John Yohomal then you are a fool and a donkey!
Some of you open your big mouths and talk about things you don’t understand. Do you know how the West got involved in Africa or why they got involved in Africa? If you say you don’t know then I will tell you that you are the biggest fool on earth. The West came here and carried our people into slavery. Then they came back and colonized us for a thousand years and said they were trying to civilize us. And when took up our guns and risked pour lives and drove them out of Africa, they now come back and try to tell us about so-called human rights and so-called rule of law. But if you go to their own countries there is no human rights and no rule of so-called law. Do you know what human rights stand for? Well let me tell you. The ‘H’ stands for Hoodwink – You all know what hoodwink is, to blindfold people! The ‘U’ stands for the Universe! ‘M’ stands for Manipulate! ‘A’ stands for Africa, and ‘N’ stands for African Nations! They hoodwink the universe, manipulate the African nations! When they hoodwink the universe, manipulate African nations, the ‘R’ stands for – to rip you off, they rip you off of your gold. After hoodwinking the universe and manipulating African nations, they rip you off of ideals, so that Africans will have no ideals but will follow their exported ideology that is meant to create wars in Africa, famine and starvation. We will never accept that! They turn some Africans into stooges so that they can always continue to manipulate us. I John Yohomal, I am saying that I will die but I will never let them suck our blood again! They can all go to hell or I will teach their so-called European Union a lesson they will never forget till the end of time. If they dare to touch a single hair of my people, they will regret that they were ever born into this world!
Tell me any country where there is so-called human rights and people are not executed – tell me! In most of the so-called western types of human rights, those who uphold the so-called principle of Democracy – When you go to their jails, Africans form the majority of all the inmates. They kill Africans in the street every day and call them dogs. And then they come here and try to tell be about so-called human rights. What types of rights are they talking about? If they tell me about human rights I will tell them about donkey rights because they also have to respect that. I will never accept it!
And now when some of the so-called African leaders who are stooges of the West refuse to sign laws meant to discipline the media and throw into jail all the so-called opposition donkeys, you all jump up and sing their praises. And you say John Yohomal should be ashamed of himself because he has closed down some media houses and has jailed some journalists. And you take these Western stories and you send them to the so-called Internet and you talk about so-called skeletons in cupboards. If you are brave, why do you talk about skeletons and cupboards? Why don’t you come here and try to tell me those kinds of things? I am not saying that other so-called African leaders will not do what they like in their own countries, but as long as this country is mine, no so-called media or journalist or donkey opposition will be allowed to cause trouble here. If you so-called journalists are interested in skeletons, you can go to the graveyard and dig them up. You have plenty of skeletons there. But you cannot come here and tell me about skeletons or try to tell me what to do. If you think I am playing, come. Belay, belay, belay, you will then know that John Yohomal does not joke. It’s a mad day.
Hahaha : Baba You’re great, i love it.
They said A day without a laughter is a day wasted.
I love Baba , Thanks a lot.
By the imaginary powers vested in me I here by annoint Baba The Real Gambia”s Pen
Thank you Paul. I humbly accept your kind anointment. May all your powers become real.
Thank you Malik and Saine.
Brilliant and funny piece but a true reflection of how our dictator think and behave.
Thank you guys. You all inspire me to keep writing for us all. We will keep up the struggle against the abrogation of our God-given rights for as long as God makes it possible. No one has the right to claim ownership of our country to the exclusion of everyone else. Those who do so will be opposed and ridiculed to the limits of possibility. May God bless The Gambia.
Please keep making us smile
Thank you Baba
I was a student writer for The Independent and Baba is one of Africa’s best writers. I hope and pray he live long so my children can read his books one day.
I am friends with both Dr Saine and Sabally, they both complained about the lack of a reading culture and support of our writers.
I believe the most effective way we can support our writers and get them noticed is by buying their books. If we have to buy more copies and share with our co-workers so be it. Writers, artists and sportsmen are the best ambassadors a country can have.